evaluation... conclusion...

i just want to thank all of you peeps whom has been reading my blog since it began last month. unbelivably, it has reached over 1000 viewers. all of my content in my blog after i have read it myself is actually quite offensive, it shows my unhappiness, my anger, my frustration with some people that i know in school and also the negative side of me. to tell you guys frankly, after i have read my own blog, i found that i am a bit cuckoo at some point. getting angry for nothing. let me tell you guys the truth of my feelings. imagine you guys are being gifted with fighting skills and strength far beyond your own control. plus you train your body and exercise regularly to keep fit and to improve your capablities. now, imagine that they are people whom is not happy with you and they constantly provoke, talking bad things behind your backs and intimidate you by any means possible. now think that you have the power, strength and skill to not only beat them up, but to the extend of killing these people but you are confine with your principles and believe. strike only when being striked. but everyday, there are surely something that disturbs and harrass your peace. if you were me, what would you guys do? feeling stress? depress? no no no. i am not that type of person. i am not going to give up on life just because of these pests. i am a fighter. not only physically, but also mentally. i will fight till the end. but to tell you guys the truth, this thing has actually affected my life as a whole. this things has made me more sensitive, more selfish, more introvert and has made me to make a lot, and i mean a lot of wrong and hurtful decisions in life. both to the people close to me and to myself. i am aware of all this things happening. all the wrong desicion made. even after realising it i still continue to do things that hurts. i always talk about to be myself and to live alone and stuff like that in my blog. please understand that i do this because i am trying to avoid people that is close to me from getting hurt for something they did not do. i am trying to confine myself. i have even put song lyrics saying that i am walking away from troubles not because i am walking away from it, it is actually because i am trying to avoid the one that is close to me from getting hurt again and again. i have ask people that i trust most in my life and i got the advise that i should not mix up my enemy and the ones that are close to me. this is my battle, my fight, my war and i am not going to let the people that i care for suffer for it. i have to face this alone. only then i will be able to define and to be myself. this is my 31 posts and one more thing. my enemies, who are they. let me tell you this for now. these people are the real shrewd, the real actors and the one that play nice infront and play dirty behind. they are humans. boys lah of course. but this is no ordinary warfare. it is more like a phycological warfare. and about the friends not being there for me. hahaha. when i am sick, i always talk trash. i know there are lots of people that care for me. it is just that that day when i cry, i didnt ask for any help from anybody.

friday 24 november 2006

hhmm... quite a lot of things happen this past week... if you guys read my 19 november post you guys may have known what i have been upto this past week... busy busy busy... then sudddenly... my recovering sickness came back with avengence... my fever has gone but then the flu came... not bird flu or sars guys... just normal flu... but this flu really has make me drop to my knees man... for your info... who says the rock never cry??? i just cry this past week man... damn... a man shouldnt cry to show his toughness and manlyness... but this flu has really taken a toll on me man... let me tell you guys wat happen on last thursday during my culture module...

9 am... i felt very cold and giddy plus i just ate my medicine from home so the drug affect still make me kind of high.

11am... the medicine affect is gone... and the coldness is terrible. i forgot to bring my medicine and i forgot to bring my sweater cum jacket to school so the flu strike swift and without mercy.

exactly 11.30am to 11.50am... i got out of my class because i cannot stand the cold then i bring my laptop with me to do my PPT. i rest and laid at the pantry... alone... shivering of coldness... then... finally... the rock cried... tears ran down my cheeks... i just can no longer stand the coldness and the pressure of having to complete the PPT in time... i struggled doing my PPT and at the same time crying, praying and hoping that god give me the strength to at least not making me faint because i am already seeing double at that time... my head need rest but all those thinking and PPT stuff has made my head... spinning.. and spinning.. i almost vomitted there and then too...
for your info.. nobody was there at that moment.. no close friends.. no classmates.. no friends from last semester.. no brotherhood.. no one is there for me when i am really in deep SHIT!!! ya.. i do have a handful of you guys asking me how am i feeling and getting me stuff and i really appreciate it.. thank you guys.. from the bottom of my heart.. you know who you are..
that is why every single thing that i put in my blog is not for fun or for entertainment purposes... even the song lyrics describe my feelings... every single word.. even the song I BELIEVE... expresses my deepest feelings... only the C-box is just an extra thing for me to catch up with my old friends...
that is why i say... i live alone and i die alone... it is true.. when i was in trouble last thursday.. nobody was there.. i have to act as if i am capable of doing and completing the PPT because i was the leader and i was the one who come up with the idea of Puteri Gunung Ledang myth and legend... i told you guys before that i am a man of my word... and if i start something... the rock will finish it even if it is a matter of life and death.. seriously guys.. you guys do not know me yet.. how determined i can become.. how i will sacrifice everything to accomplish my goals and targets... and thank god i am the SURVIVOR and god not only gives my strength, but also gives me a good mood... sick but good mood...

this weekend i will spend it preparing for my UT next week and i will rest for my OWN health...
ya.. alone.. i am the selfish, introvert, sun of a gun rite... and i say yes i am... and i am proud to be one... because there is no one else who will help us in this life except for god and ourself. FRIENDS WILL ONLY BE THERE WHEN YOU DONT NEED THEM, BUT WHEN YOU DO... THEY WILL LEAVE YOU DEAD ALONE ALL BY YOURSELF...

i have truly learnt the real meaning of having friends in Republic Poly... and i thank god for showing me the bad side of life here first hand... thank you god... i have grown from this experience and from this incident... and i will be more prepared next time... next week will come and i will continue to learn more about life...

REMEMBER... DONT BLAME ME FOR BEING EVIL OR UNMERCYFUL NEXT TIME BECAUSE IT IS YOU PEOPLE THAT TEACHES ME TO BE WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW...
and i wont give a damn even if you beg...

you give me wings...

Sometimes it’s hard just to be yourself
I know you know
So close to tears wanting to give up
I felt all alone
But now you’re here by my side
And I just want you to know
You give me wings when I’m falling
You lift me up when I’m down
Taking me high touching the sky
And you make me fly
Now I am stronger than I was before
Because of you
I feel so alive and I’m wanting more
I can’t believe it’s true
But now you’re here by my side
Don’t ever let me go
You give me wings when I’m falling
You lift me up when I’m down
Taking me high touching the sky
And you make me fly
Ooo baby, woao wooao
Come fly away with me
You give me wings when I’m falling
That’s why I’m saying to you
Whoa
You give me wings when I’m falling
You lift me up when I’m down
Taking me high touching the sky
And you make me fly
(2 x)You give me wings

i am walking away from the troubles in my life...

I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away
Sometimes some people get me wrong, when it's something
I've said or done
Sometimes you feel there is no fun, that's why you turn and run
But now I truly realise, some people don't wanna compromise
Well, I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies, and
Well I don't wanna live my life, too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away Well, I'm so tired baby
Things you say, you're driving me away
Whispers in the powder room baby, don't listen to the games they play
Girl I thought you'd realise, I'm not like them other guys
Cos I saw them with my own eyes, you should've been more wise and
Well I don't wanna live my life, too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

kau pergi jua...

Wajahmu..
Seindah serinya pelangi yang indah
Seharum mawar putih segar berkembang
Wajahmu
Mengapa sering terbayang di mataku
Sehingga terbawa di dalam mimpiku
Sayangku
Tahukah kau di dalam hatiku ini
Tersimpan perasaan cinta nan suci
Kau bunga
Ingin kusuntingmu menjadi milikku
Lantas ku abadikan dalam jiwaku
Sayangnya
Harapan yang selama ini ku bawa
Hancur berkecai musnah jua akhirnya
Semuanya bagaikan sebuah mimpi
Kau pergi jua
Setelah cinta ku kini membara
Belum sempat ku curahkan kasihku
Kau pergi tak kembali...

my life for this coming week...

i can already predict that this coming week will be a drag for me because of my sickness and my ever tight schedule. i think i need to finally quit one of my IGs because i am just too pack nowadays. no time for my family, no time for myself, no time to even cut my nails, do you know where i cut my nails last week? its at the staircase!!! during break time somemore!!! damn there are so many things that i like in this school but i am a human being whom is weak and due to anything like sickness or just simply pure bad mood. i am still sick when i am writing this post. and to top it all some people in school does not even understand the things that i am in. they only want the best and the tip top condition from me.

plus this week i must help to prepare some kind of proposal for a christmas party. being part of X-synthesis really boost my confidence and help me in event managing but it also take away my time for the rest of other things that i love to do like going to the GYM for example.

but i know... greatness knows no limits... if i want to be great... i must look and achieve beyond the horizon... lucky for me not everyone hate me in school... i still have the support from people around me... thank you god... just a few "people" whom is just not happy with my existence in this world.. man if only there are no laws in this world.. i would be glad to finish off this "people" with my special "one hit KO" trade mark finisher which i learn from my martial arts classes, basically i just combine and edit the moves so that it is original and so that no other form of martial arts can defend or run away from my "one hit KO" finisher. how i wish that day would come after i get my DIPLOMA cert because i will be needing these "people" to help me to get my cert. as i always says, "i love those people whom hate me and are jealous of me because you guys give me the purpose to life..."

most probably this week i would be very pack and hopefully my sickness will subside so that i will have that extra energy to go through this definitely pack week. got to prepare and be ready for lots of stuff. and this week i will have to be strong mentally and physically to because this week i will get hell if i am not careful.
may god have mercy on me and may god help me through this week with patience and strength that i will really need. amin...

my favourite english artist for now

christina aguilera with her song HURT and BEAUTIFUL...
why her and why her songs... hhmm... well it is because she is quite beautiful herself... hahaha... and her songs really suits my life nowadays... who says poly life is fun??? i use to get the idea of happy poly life but instead it is very much about learning how to care, fend and have a good social life... people can hurt you and treat you like a piece of shit but you cannot hurt them even the slightest word as they will tell the world that your bad and evil... typical of us humans...
james blunt with his song GOOD BYE MY LOVER and YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL...
why his song and why him... i am not GAY... but his songs really nice to listen and his lyrics is really very catchy... i really admire his guts for singing about the girl that left him but if i were him i would have moved on already.. they are plenty of even better girls out there now that he has the fame and popularity.. no offence but life goes on and by moving on we mature further.. much further.. and we might be surprised at the amount of girls available around us.. we need to be brave and have the guts and look around.. thats all.. hahaha.. i am just guessing it.. never been in his situation before.. so desperate for his one true love.. and he is also the most romantic and "one man one woman kind of guy" as he still remember her.. i really admire this guy..

it is really hard to please others..

it is really hard to make other people happy
even if you are sick you still have to please them
they dont understand your situation
who does?

nobody care about you
they only care for themselves
this is why life is unfair
because humans rule it

it is really hard to make other people happy
even if you die trying
they dont care
nobody care

you live alone
you die alone
friends are foes and backstabbers
enemies are devils in the making

you only have yourself
live free
rule your own life well
die well

i cant believe socialising is tough
thats why i love to be alone
no relationship whatsoever, no ties in an organisaton and no people to please for
but when i am alone people call me action and ignorant

thats why i love to be left alone
i need my personal space
i need freedom for myself
please understand WORLD

LET ME BE ME FOR NOW. WHEN THE TIME COMES, IT WILL COME.
A COMEBACK IS WHAT I PROMISE... FOR NOW...

friday november 17 2006

today, all of a sudden i feel weak and sick when i woke up in the morning. my throat sore and whenever i swallow my saliva, it is like when someone swallowing 4 tablet of panadol at one go. my capable body felt very weak as if i have lost all the power that god has given me. it feels as if even someone as skinny as a bone and as weak as a piece of paper can give me one blow to knock me out. then i sweat a lot, as if i have exercise for a whole two hours none stop. but my body feels cold, very cold, like a spine chilling coldness that slips through my body right to my very flesh. my mum says my face look pale. i seriously dont know what to do or dont know what to do next. when i tried to stand up and walk my way to the toilet to bath for school, my head spin, as if i just came down from a roller coaster ride. i need to hold to the furniture in my house in order for me to just to stand up straight and to walk from the bedroom to the toilet.
man.. the experience was strange. my nose is runny since yesterday. thanks to my mum she advise me not to go to school today as i don look too good. but i have promise my judo seniors that i will come down for the event later today(5pm). but my mum says my health is far more important. i even plan to come to school in the afternoon after the friday prayers just to attend the event, but it is like my mind wanted to go but my body dont. and unfortunately i have eaten the medicine given by the doctor that makes me very drowsy. feel like the drug addicts in the movie you know, when they are high and stuff.

but i have to thank god for giving me this sickness today and now because of a few reasons. the first one is that when god give us something, like a sickness, or even a lottery strike. there are reasons behind it. i ask my mum why did god give me this sickness now? then my mum answered that things happen for a reason, she added that maybe if i come to school today something might have happen to me so thats why god give me this sickness, so that i am prevented from something. thats why in the last few days i have a feeling that something will happen, but i just dont know where and when. one more reason is that this sickness has make me rest. and i really need a rest after the suffering of reducing my weigh thinging has taken a toll of me. every single day i got back home late, like 8pm to the latest 9.30pm. i have work and play more then 12 hours a day. and i only sleep for 5 to 6 hours everyday. this "rest" is something i need very badly and god give the sickness to me to make me rest. thank you god... from the bottom of my heart.

from what i could remember, this is the first time in this year i am having a bad flu. and when i went to the doctor, ok.. before i continue my story i just want to add that this particular doctor is some what like my family doctor and i am really cared by him... so... back to the story... the doctor usually test my blood pressure whenever i visited him. usually to find news that says that i need to watch my weight, nothing serious really, but.. and i will repeat again but.. gladly he says i am a fine young man now and i am healthy. you guys see what this weigh lose program that i come up for myself has done to me, it has change my life for the better. he says continue to do what you are doing now and drink plenty of plain warm water, not cold water, just plain warm water. what i cannot believe is that all this while i have been exercising not in the gym but you guys know, the martial arts class and everything, the exersice regime is just not enough for me. thats another reason why i love to go to the gym now. i really improves my health tremendously after going to the gym for the past few weeks. thank you god for the health and prosperity...

FRIENDS ARE YOUR JOY AND GRIEF

Should your friend really be a mirror
Yet in a hall of bright mirrors
Each but an angle on you
Should your friend be a treasure mountain
Refrain from greed to uncover
His life as four seasons enrich you
His poise unchanging to teach
Should your friend be the boundless ocean
He may not forbear you ever
Deep down the sea hides its sorrows
His tides to moisten your sand
Some friends you need like stairways
Some friends lie soft as pasture
Your friends are your joy and sorrow
Your heart their music to play
Deep down your heart strings its music
Deep down the sharp blade your own
The handle you pass to be wielded
Your joy and your sorrow to claim
Your kin bind you with your blood
Your partner you bind with vows
Acquaintance is bound for a season
Unasked for, Life richly endows
To part is not to be lost
To lose is to cease to recall
Your friend loses you by neglect
Your heart reclaims him through joy
As shoes march on together
Each is not like the other
And they keep their distance apart.

I am Beautiful...

Everyday, is so wonderful. Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe. Now and then i get insecure. From all the pain, i'm so ashamed. I am beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring me down. I am beautiful, in every single way. Yes, words can't bring me down. So dont you bring me down today. To all your friends, you're delirious. So consume in all your doom. Trying hard to fill the emptiness. The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone. Is that the way it is. You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring you down. Coz you are beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can't bring you down. So don't you bring me down today. No matter what we do . No matter what we say. We're the song inside the tune. Full of beautiful mistakes. And everywhere we go. The sun will always shine. And tomorrow we might awake on the other side. Coz we are beautiful, no matter what they say. Yes, words won't bring us down, no. We are beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can't bring us down, no. So don't you bring me down today.

refresh... refine... and recharged...

hari ini telah membawa makna terhadap hidupku... selama ini aku telah kehilangan arah dan tujuan hidup disebabkan oleh hidup yang penuh cabaran dan cobaan ini. aku telah berusaha dan berjuang semampu jasad ini membawa tetapi semakin aku menentang arus, semakin aku kehilangan dan semakin aku sesat dalam perjalanan hidup. aku tahu yang tuhan telah memberi aku cobaan ini kerana aku boleh menaganinya dan aku dipilih untuk melalui cabaran ini. aku tahu yang cobaan ini akan menjadikan aku lebih matang dan akan lebih meneguhkan lagi pendirian hidupku.
tetapi aku tidak menyangka cobaan akan datang bertubi-tubi dan menikam pelusuk hatiku bagaikan anak panah yang diasar sehingga sentuhannya boleh memotong kulit dan daging jasadku dengan senang sekali. tidak aku sangka cobaan terbesar manusia adalah dirinya sendiri dan jikalau kalah dalam perjuangan ini akan binasa badan dan masa depan. hari ini telah aku diketemukan dengan seseorang yang telah mengingatkan aku kembali diriku yang telah selama ini sesat entah kemana. aku tidak akan menunjuk jari dan menuduh kawan-kawan dan rakan-rakanku yang telah merubah hidup dan pendirian aku, yang telah menyebabkan aku terlupa tentang diriku dan yang telah membuatku terpedaya dengan bisikkan-bisikkan yang akan. ini semua akibat kelalaian dan kelupaan aku sebagai seorang manusia yang amat hina dan rendah diri ini. aku terlupa akan segala ajaran dan tunjukkan orang-orang dewasa kepada diriku.
apa-apa yang kita merancang selalunya ialah hanya untuk dirancang, bukan untuk ditentukan. tuhan yang menentukan segala-galanya... aku hanya boleh merancang dan terus merancang demi untuk mencapai apa yang dikehendaki...
sebenarnya, motivasi diri bukannya dari kawan dan keluarga... macam pepatah yang diriku sendiri fikirkan... ( experience and knowledge is what defines a man...) ia datang dari yang MAHA ESA...
aku telah banyak kali gagal dalam hidup di usia setahun jagung ini... hiduplah yang telah banyak mengajar aku tentang erti hidup, bukan cikgu di sekolah mahupun kawan-kawan yang kebanyakkanya melalaikan diriku.
tetapi walaubagaimanapun TUHAN telah memberiku satu lagi anugerah hidup iaitu (choice)... pilihan yang telah dan akan merubah hidupku, pilihan lah yang aku membentukku. jika aku tersalah pilih aku akan kecewa dan merana dan berkemungkinan aku akan kehilangan jasadku. jika aku pilih dengan bijak dan betul aku akan mencapai kejayaan and aku yang akan mendapat semua hasil pengorbanan dan hasil titik peluhku untuk aku menikmatinya. tetapi untuk mencapai kejayaan haruslah aku merenangi lautan api dan daratan yang setiap kali aku bertapak akan terpotong kulit dan isi tapak kakiku akibat potongan tanah dan rumput yang diibaratkan seperti mata pedng yang membelah-belah dan menikam-nikam dengan tanpa belah kasihan. inilah cobaan hidup kalau kamu mahu tahu.
(only the strong survive while the weak will lose out and die in the end...)

it is not easy when i want to have a body like the rock...

i suffer a lot leh... haiya... every where aching like nobody's business... i really need to sacrifice a lot of things... like the food i eat.. the time i spent with my family and friends is affected... everything have to change... now then i know why a hunky guy is being traeted like an idol to girls surrounding him... you got to go through hell before you can change your body to become like the rock... the hunky delicious body whom every girl's desire...

i really hope that i can at least be more muscular like the rock by december 16th when i go for my reunion chalet with my secondary 3 friends... by the way... i have reduce more weigh.. its about another kilo... 8 more kilo to go... my main objective for doing this is to prove that i am capable of being not only strong but also hunky and i can have the body that i want... my choice... my life... my body...

i am still struggling to lose my weigh first at the same time must maintain my body for my martial arts classes... i don't want to be slim but have no strength when fighting people...

i am now really doing a lot of multi tasking like handling my IGs which i have join 4 IGs... i have a lot of outside commitments too and i have to spent time with my family and friends too... i really have to be more discipline than ever...

the most demanding part is food... i have a strict diet now as i must control my cravings for deep fried chicken wings and to stay away from too much energy giving food... man... i am really suffering especially when i have to watch what i eat.. although some times... i just eat them when i really cannot resist it...

after i achieve my desired CE points and get what i want... then i will ease off myself to enjoy RP like how i enjoy it in semester one... the good thing is that i constantly have the support from my family members and my friends like the MUHD BROTHERHOOD and other friends you guys know who you are... i deeply say my deepest gratitude for the support given and hope you guys can continue to support me until i achieve my desired goals... thank you once again...

i tell you guys one secret... the only way to my heart is through my stomach because i have great needs for delicious food... hahaha... the picture is courtesy from www.yahoo.com/pictures

the world all style martial arts competition held in RP today(november 10) and tomorrow(november 11)

man... if only i join some club that has the connection for me to join this competition... i would have such a great time mixing around with the martil artist around the world... i just now saw a few russian chicks fighting... damn.. if only i join.. i would have ask for their email man... hahaha.. just joking...

if i join the competition i would be too busy fighting with hunky and more skilled fighters around the world...

back to reality... i have seen them fight and have learn some new techniques of their fighting style... i have seen how a guy two hit OK another guy with just a punch and a kick... man their strong... but i really like this kind of people because finally i feel that i belong to something big... i mean all this while i join martial art classes and though we martial artist are solitary species and dont have the fame and glory... but being even watching this world class competition i feel that this really motivates me to do my very best in martial arts training and to hopefully be joining the competition one day if i am chosen...

finally i feel that nobody there can say that i am a gay or that i am a freak or something... if only those people were present just now.. i think you guys would have been shock and be very careful next time you guys want to mess with a martial artist because... i am not going to tell anything because you people will say that i am bragging and i action alot... hahaha...

typical people whom is actually afraid of us but masked it by saying stuff that provoke and demotivates us... we martial artist are not like that people... we are still a human being... it is just that we love to learn new things like defending ourselves using our god give weapon... our body!!!

we martial artist are actually very quiet and very introvert and we don't like provokers like some of you readers... people like you love to provoke us to let us use our skills to hurt people... but don't worry... we are very patient people... martial artist have a code of conduct and honour that we must follow if we were to call ourselve martial artist... so do anything you guys like to us and we will try our best not to kill you... hahaha...

hurt...

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face. You told me how proud you were but I walked away. If I only I knew what I know today, ohhhh.
I would hold you in my arms. I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you've done. Forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do. To hear your voice again. Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there.
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself by hurting you.
Some days I feel broke inside, but I won't admit. Sometimes I just wanna hide cuz it's you I miss. You know it's so hard to say good-bye when it comes to this, ohhhh yeah.
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do. To have just one more chance. To look into your eyes and see you looking back.
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself, oh...
If I had just one more day. I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away. Oh, It's dangerous. It's so out of line to try and turn back time. I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself....by hurting you.

i'm sorry world... i can't be perfect...

Hey peeps look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just not too late and We can go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my friend?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright 'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just not too late and We can go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just not too late and We can go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts foreverI'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just not too late and We can go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

what has happen to me!!!!

i don't know why i don't know how... but frankly i can even judge myself that i have changed a lot... ya... changed a lot... i am not talking about my physical self or even myself as a whole... i am talking about my attitude... what the hell happen man??? from the charming guy in secondary school to the jerk of the century... i am very popular with the girls in my secondary school but not in poly why ah??? man... what has happen to muhammad man... i mean me!!! where the hell do i drop my balls ah??? where is the old fun muhammad??? why the attitude man??? where is the happy go lucky muhammad whom every body in secondary school like??? whom in secondary 4 is the super-star of the school...

if you are in my cohort in secondary 4 you should know me... but seriously ah guys... i have change to be the i don't eve know how to describe myself... i know that i have changed but i am still this jerk... why man why??? i think i need some of my secondary school friends to show me back the way... can anybody tell me what i am like last time ah??? i like me last time but not now... i know i have mature but why this attitude???

for god's sake... even my mum, dad and my sister has tell me that i have changed... oh man... i really need to refine myself... maybe one day i will return back to my secondary school and go through back and also ask my teachers and people that i have made friends with in the school like the attendants in the school and ask some of my juniors about me what was i like last time...

i really need to change and refine back my attitude man... i know that i am 18 and i am still finding the best image, attitude and identity that suit me the best for the future but i think my evolution has gone astray... its not that i am losing friends or what, it is because to tell you guys the truth, i am a perfectionist... i love to achieve for perfection... once i target for something i will acheive it no matter what and no matter it will take me time to acheive it... and once people said that i have changed... i need to figure out what has happen to me and i really need to bring the old muhammad back and to let my poly friends to enjoy the old muhammad... but of course i will still refine it... so that it will stay relevent to myself...

because the muhammad last time is too happy go lucky oready until i regret some things that i do in my secondary school... as the saying goes... everything that you do have its advantage and its disadvantage... the old muhammad is a risk taker but not this muhammad... haiya... who says being me is easy... everyday i fight with myself just to make things right but it sometimes turns from bed to worst...

TO BE THE ROCK... I HAVE TO BE MYSELF... I HAVE TO HAVE CONTROL ON MYSELF... because everything i do, even if it is something that i think is good... it could do HARM to others...

for now... the first thing i will do is to pray and to reflect on myself... i can do it... may god bless me... and whatever good i am doing... insyallah... amin...

i am here without you baby...

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I've saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
The miles just keep rollin as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done it get hard but it won’t take away my love
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

humans... friends... reality...

why must we humans spite and get jealous of each other when some one is just better then the other?

typical us humans... god give us brain for us to use it for our own greater good but we always use it to destroy others...

i am not talking about politic and the global current affairs you know... i am talking about all of us... including me somtimes... i do envy others when they are better than me but i did not talk bad things about them behind their backs like what some of you guys are doing right now...
i understand if girls do stuff like that... because that is called gossip and thats find with me... its also called social interaction... but when boys do things like that, plus let me remind you guys we are in polytechnic... not some secondary schools... why the attitude man?

let me remind you guys if boys start behaving like girls... no wonder they are more trans out there... no wonder girls now are becoming more successful then us... because all we boys think about now is dirty stuff and to spite each other... just when somebody is a bit famous and has the thing going on in the campus... there will always be a group of boys which i like to call them freaks of nature whom will spite and get malicious to bring down the successful guy...

DAMN I JUST "LOVE" IT WHEN THESE THINGS HAPPENS... you want to know why i love it?

i love it because when people start talking behind you or even wish to spite you... eventhough it is an evil thing to do... even though it maysometimes makes you lost your temper... but i think it is because of these people that you will constantly be the talk of the town and be known... it is because of these people that "advertise" you to make you more popular amongst people in RP... but i got only one advise... once you are in that situation, beware of anything that you do because if you do something stupid or bad, your reputation might be at risk and you will be turn overnight from the most talked about to the "pariah"... nobody will even notice you then!!!

keep your cool... these things that the other boys is doing to you is actually to fire you up to do something stupid or foolish... they know you have the power and skills... that is why they will try their best to provoke you... they will do all kinds of this that one could think about... for example they will try their best to make others think differently of you, like if you are muscular and very skilled in fighting... these freaks of nature will tell others that you are a gay or even go to the distance that they will try to break your friendship with your own friends... but only if your friends are your true and close friends only then they will not be influence by the freaks of nature because they know who you are... i understand not all friends are that strong, sometimes they also do get influence and can somtimes become your enemy...

so... another advise... just be yourself and make new friends and leave these freaks of nature behind... friends are every where... and if these freaks of nature still bothers you... then...

TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL....

i say take it to another level where you plan to fight back... i mean we are still human beings right? we are not angels... we have our limits... if these freak of nature still bothers... do not straight away fight them because you might be outnumbered...

think, plan and have patience... if you are skilled... use your force only when really needed because they might provoke you straight in the face, but they will like make it like a joke or something, trying to provoke you to get angry...

if you think you cannot handle this things alone and you do not want to get your parents involve, then talk to someone you REALLY TRUST... remember... REALLY TRUST... because in this unforgiving world even your best friend can be your enemy... talk to someone like your brother, sister or even your cousins... they will try their best to help you solve your problems because they are related to you by blood.. not by friendship, which can be broken easily... just REMEMBER THAT PLEASE...

maybe you guys wonder how i can talk about these things like they in the back of my hand... well... experiences tells it all... hahaha...

TO BEAT THE MAN... YOU'VE GOT TO BE THE MAN...

my life as a new pop star in RP... *sigh*

presenting..... my new album release in RP... my manager is the cool joshua... my producers are the wonderful isaac, casey and shirley.... and not forgetting the faci and the support that i have from the whole class!!! my first concert in my class was a bomb man!!! my classmates cheer and wave around and the give the loudest cheer after my presentation... enough for the talking... maybe these pictures can explain more on my new career.... because as wise men says picture tells a thousand words... enjoy!!!